Most of us yearn for a really satisfying primary relationship. It’s not news to any adult that a relationship can be heaven or it can be hell. When it is good, it’s so valuable to us that we keep trying to build something with someone in spite of all the difficulties and pain. It’s not that easy to create a stable relationship. Sometimes the most exciting relationships are the most volatile and painful. There are reasons for that which it will help you to understand.

One of the qualities that a good primary relationship can have is to provide sanctuary, a place where you don’t have to watch your back. If you and your mate have created a place where there is no safety, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

A major key to a functional relationship is that each of you needs to create some kind of mental map of the other person. This map needs to be based on accurate observation of that person, not just on your own fears, desires and fantasies. This map will give you a basis to maintain mutual trust when you are hurt and confused.

A lot of couples end up in endless replays of the blame game. This is something people learn in their family of origin and can get trapped in. The battle around who is to blame just bleeds a relationship of love and trust. You can feel the difference between accepting responsibility and taking the blame. Accepting responsibility doesn’t make you feel like a squirmy kid.

If you just cannot reach each other, a professional can help you get communication going again. A competent counselor should be able to do the following:
1. Recognize where you and your partner are each missing what the other is saying.
2. Lower the intensity of the conflict so you can reach each other.
3. Get beneath the angry words, the hurt withdrawal and the confusion.
4. Identify the patterns unfolding in your relationship.
5. Help you and your partner understand what each is really asking for from the other.
6. Identify baggage either of you brings to the relationship.

I myself do feel able to do those things.