HANDLING PROBLEM EMOTIONS

Fear, anxiety and panic There are many reasons why you might have fear and anxiety. Sometimes the thing you fear is dangerous and you do need to figure out how to protect yourself. Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing is a product of your past or of an inaccurate evaluation.

Panic can be an avalanche that is very hard to stop. I will help you evaluate where it all is coming from and create a rational plan to get to a more comfortable functional place.

Happiness is more of a problem than you might think. Many people don’t recognize happiness when it sneaks into their minds. If you had no real model of happiness available when you were growing up, you may mistake crisis for normality. You may find that you push aside what really makes you happy and just move on to thinking about the next problem.

There is a certain comfort we derive from what I call the family-iliar. You may not be happy, but at least you know just what to do. This is a snare in which a person can get trapped for a long time. Learning to recognize happiness and make a place for it in your mind can be quite an issue.

Insecurity is the cliché of psychology. The frequency with which you hear this word reflects the wide spread existence of the state of mind it describes. With some help, you can go further than just saying, “I’m insecure.” Or “You’re insecure.” You can actually understand the nature of insecurity and work towards a way of seeing yourself and your world that makes you feel secure. Wouldn’t you love to hear someone say “She’s (He’s) secure”, about you and know it’s true?

Vulnerability It might help to study this dread idea. Many people equate vulnerability with weakness. However vulnerability also means accessibility. Vulnerability is actually the ability to be impacted. If you make yourself invulnerable, you may feel safe, but you become untouchable. If you are in a relationship with an invulnerable person, you know it feels like being alone. The key is to learn how to let valuable communication and love in while keeping poison out.

Your wall Related to insecurity and feeling too vulnerable is the wall you might have put up to protect yourself. If your wall keeps everyone out, you are safe in a drab sort of a way, but very alone. If you let toxic people in, you will get poisoned. Either way, the goal is to develop smart gate-keeping at your wall. You need to learn to tell who bears gifts and who carries poison.

Sadness and depression These are different and you really need to appreciate the difference. If you confuse sadness with depression and can’t tell which one you are feeling, you can get way off track.

Depression is a stew of hopelessness, self-anger and numbness. It is a sticky feeling state in which things seem irritating and meaningless. If it goes on too long, it can mutate into despair.

Sadness is a clean sharp feeling that cuts you deeply. It is the vehicle by which we register a loss and grasp its consequences for our life. Sadness is the feeling that marks a grieving process. If handled respectfully, sadness can move you on to a better place. There is so much pressure in society to not show sadness, that people get pushed out of it before they are ready and can wind up depressed for a long time.

Guilt can be quite a burden. I distinguish between healthy guilt and toxic guilt. Healthy guilt is your heart reminding you of what your values are. It helps you keep your behavior between the white lines on the road. Toxic guilt has to do with misjudging where your power and responsibility end.

If you feel responsible for how everyone around you feels, you are probably suffering from toxic guilt. Getting rid of toxic guilt requires sorting out what you really are and are not responsible for. It requires wrestling with why you might set a reasonable standard for everyone else in the world and a higher impossible to reach standard for yourself.

Shame can really drag you down. It is generally the result of having been humiliated and made to feel small as a child. If you cannot stand criticism, if it cuts you to the heart or sends you into a rage, you are probably suffering from toxic shame. Getting rid of toxic shame requires a healing process from the wounds of past shame and humiliation. Neither beating up on yourself or on other people will bring lasting relief. Unfortunately the beatings reinforce the feeling of not being OK. When we reach the point where criticism doesn’t make us feel small, our whole existence feels easier. A key to real recovery is learning how to take criticism less personally and to come to realistic terms with your own human imperfection.